20 signs you're a mum

1. Instead of running from projectile vomit, you run towards it.

2. You do more in seven minutes than most people do all day.

3. Happy hour has become the 60 minutes between your kids going to bed and you going to bed.

4. A glass of wine counts as a serving of fruit.

5. You have mini-therapy sessions all day long with anyone who will listen.

6. Going to the supermarket by yourself is a holiday.

7. You think of physical pain on three levels: pain, excruciating pain and stepping on a Lego barefoot.

8. You have the ability to hear a sneeze through closed doors in the middle of the night, two bedrooms away, while your husband snores next to you.

9. You'd rather have a 103 degree fever than watch one of your kids suffer with it.

10. A 15-minute shower with the door locked feels like a day at the spa.

11. Weeing with an audience is part of the daily routine.

12. You use baby wipes to clean up random spills and the dashboard of your car.

13. You lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend to have diarrhea just to get a break.

14. You have a secret chocolate stash because frankly, you're sick of sharing.

15. You've been washing the same load of washing for three days because you forgot to take it out.

16. You realize you've been watching Nick Jr. alone, even though your kids have been in bed for over 30 minutes.

17. You can cook dinner, breastfeed, talk on the phone and shout at the kids, all without breaking stride or missing any of the TV programme you are watching.

18. You find yourself using phrases you never thought you would 'don't lick the dog' 'don't put your sister in the washing machine'

19. By the end of the day, brushing your teeth feels like a huge accomplishment.

20. Smelling another human beings bottom is not only acceptable but necessary.